Embracing my inner van-ityness!

So as you know I drive a van.   It's a bitching van as far as vans go.  Leather seats, auto everything, DVD player, wireless headphones, 18 soda/coffee/juice holders, and a nice sound system.   I personally think the side window shades are the coolest thing about them and to be honest, they were the deal breaker for me!  If I could close my eyes as I drove I'd feel pretty darned close to heaven on wheels.  But I can't (heck, I don't even drive so hot with my eyes open) and the fact of the matter is is that I am a middle-aged, chubby, stressed out mommy who drives a min-van (and yes, my kid plays soccer).   Before I was the said-mom above I drove a Subaru Forester. When I traded it in (to make way for two car seats across) I felt as though a part of me died.  My sporty, trendy, yuppy-ish Forester embodied everything I wanted to come across as--and the van, well, everything that made me cry for the roaring twenties.

I've been driving this van for four years come March and over the years I've developed a love-hate relationship with it.  I still cringe when I hear "soccer mom"and it still pains me when I hear other moms protest, "I'll never drive a mini-van!" Such declarations tainted with venom drive a stake in heart and make me feel weak since I was unable to stand up to my laurels and gave in to middle-aged mommy hood.  Nevertheless, I have to admit I have found a few reasons to love my hell on wheels.

In no particular order:

1. The space!! For a shopaholic like me you can really shop till you drop.  Even with two kids taking an entire row of seats it still leaves me with one more row of seats as well as the cargo area to hold shopping bags.  There are also secret compartments to hide presents that hubbies are not supposed to see.  There's one in the ground that could hold a good sized bag, and one under the seat that can hold jewelry, ipods, and other goodies of that size.   If only hubby used them to hide goodies for me!
2. Automatic doors.  I tend to carry a lot of bags (I need a support group) that include purse, diaper bag (no more diapers but still carry all the kids junks), laptop bag, lunch bag...basically everything AND the kitchen sink.  Trying to open the car door with 50 pounds of bags can be tough--that is unless you have automatic opening sliding van doors!  I just need to push the button (from afar too), door opens and I throw everything in.
3. Peace and quiet.  This is where the DVD player and those wireless headsets come in.  When we bought the van hubby insisted on these.  Being the educator mom that I am I was dead set against them.  In my perfect world kids don't watch tv during dinner at home during dinner at the restaurant or in cars.  Well, I have a portable DVD player and one in the car.  What does that tell you?  I'm weak.  Or I just value being able to drive without yelling, fighting, and whining.  When the DVD is off there's fighting and screaming.  When the DVD is on, quiet, some laughing, a few questions here and there.  When the kids were younger I was hesitant about using the headsets, however, I can safely say that I have heard enough Caillou movies to last me ten life times.  So, now it's really heaven on earth in the van. Kids are quietly watching their kiddy movies for the ten millionth time and I am jamming to old school 93.9 or alternative rock 101.9.  Doesn't get better than this...and when they're teenagers and complaining about my old fashion music we'll just get them Ipods.
4. Let's get it on!  This one is untested...but remember when you were a teenager and drove up to Tantlus in your Toyota Corolla?!!  Imagine all that space in the back of the van!!!!  LMAO.  Like I said, not tested and not likely to be ever tested. Ever.  Hubby, if you're reading this, don't go there!  No chance, not happening!!  Please, we got enough kids and no free time!  More importantly, have you ever tried to take out and re-install those damn car seats?!!!  And once those car seats are out, you never know what you'll find (see number 7).
5. No expectations.  When you're driving a van no one expects you to look like that chick that gets out of the Ferrari (BMW, Mercedes, Hummer, Escalaide, Porsche, heck...even Acura!).  In fact they expect you to look dumpy, frazzled, wearing t shirt, mommy jeans, and a back pack.  Thus, all you gotta do is look half-way put together and you can be that HOT VAN MOMMY!!  Yup, turn heads by simply looking sorta put together. Less pressure, let me tell you!
6. She can't help it, she's a mommy!  A great driver I am not.  The van was less than a month old when I reversed it into a wall even with the rear back up camera.  So, when I need to switch lanes, or when I nearly hit someone or something, all I need to do is roll down the window and stick my head out.  People feel sorry for me, people give me a break, I am after all, JUST A VAN MOMMY and can't be expected to be a good driver!
7. No need to clean!  When you drive a van with little kids, it's inevitable that the van gets stained, that food gets stuck in crevices, and that there are wipes, cans, cups, dirty socks, and many other un-identifiable yuckies.  If my car was a Beamer I would be calling the best Detailer money can buy.  But with the van, awww hell.  No sense, new stain tomorrow. Same goes for the dents in the doors from the kids riding their bikes, hitting with bats, grocery cart running away.  It's just a van, one ding, two dings...who the hell cares!
8. Not likely to be borrowed or stolen!  Ya think the robber dude wants your van?  HELL NO!  You think your teenager wants to drive it?  HELL NO!  Your van is safe with you!

Still not convinced that a van is the way to go?  How about this...next time you want that really cool SUP Board, gorgeous Armoire, new Elliptical machine, new HD 80 inch flat screen television..or whatever other cool hip thing the trendy folk are buying, just remember if you had a van you'd be able to haul it home without fear of it flying out the back of a truck.  Done deal?  No?  Well, men out there re-read number FOUR and ladies, read number ONE.  C'mon, all the cool peeps are doing it!

Van Mommy Out!

This is me rocking the van!