Today while I was at work I visited a classroom and the students were talking about their heroes. I didn't have a chance to read their papers or really think about who my heroes were but tonight I will delve into my my mind to explore this topic.
In the past whenever I had to write about who my hero was I would always say that my hero was my mom. While she and I have always had a somewhat tense relationship I have always admired her and wanted to be like her. At an early age I was made aware of what my mom accomplished in her life. She was the first in her family to graduate from college and she did in fantastic fashion for her time. She left the small island of Kauai and attended college in Colorado. After college she moved back home for awhile but ended up moving away, working on the mainland and eventually teaching in Germany and Morocco. When I was younger I would sneak into her closet to look at her pictures and postcard collection from her travels and also play with the clothes and shoes that she brought back from her glamorous life. Growing up I knew that I needed to be just like mom. I thought she was incredibly brave to see the world.
Well, I ended up learning first hand just how brave and courageous my mom was because just like her I went away to college and also studied abroad in Spain. There were many days when I cried and called her in the middle of the night with one disaster after another. While I was doing exactly what my mom did that made her my hero, I never thought that I was being courageous. I was just emulating my hero.
Today, when I think about heroes I think about Dannika. Dannika, is seriously someone I wish I could be like. She is a little girl who knows exactly what she wants and is fearless in her pursuit of it.
I admire Dannika because I was nothing like her at her age. I didn't ever want to stand out. I was afraid of everything. I feared not fitting in. I wanted to be like everyone else even though no matter how hard I tried I could never be like the popular girls. So when I see Dannika dressing however she pleases with her "interesting" sense of fashion I wish I was as daring as she. I wish I had her confidence even as an adult. I wish I was as brazen as she. Someone once described Dannika as, "bold." And when I think about her that word always comes to mind.
Growing up I was also a huge chicken and still am to this day, but not Dannika! The first time she was ever out in the ocean learning to surf she charged the waves, attempted to duck dive them, got pounded, laughed and jumped pack on and paddled out for more, and then started catching her own waves. She charges everything in life with that high energy and excitement. Watching her when she is in her zone is mesmerizing. She makes me want to be a more of a risk-taker and more fearless.
But probably the reason that Dannika is my hero is that she looks right past people's outsides and right into their hearts. Dannika has never seen any one's skin color or disabilities. She is always the kid trying to help other people. She is always befriending people on the periphery. Her huge heart is what vaults her to heroine status in my eyes. I wish more people could be like her.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
On Fear....
An amazing friend sent me a mantra bracelet that says, "fearless" on it and I wear it all the time (have it on now). It's funny because I have learned that once you accept that it is okay to fear things, you can begin to conquer them. Yesterday I wrote about change and the whole fear of ocean surfing incident that changed my life. Today I want to explore other fears in hope that writing about them and exposing them will help me begin to overcome them.
When I was in high school I drew a picture of a house, a car, a dog, two kids and me and my future husband. Since then I believed that when I achieved that picture that I drew in real life I could consider myself "arrived." You see, I had that vision that every other girl has. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, they buy a house and a dog, have two kids, and live happily ever after. I did everything that I could to achieve that goal and when I finally did achieve that goal and lived it for awhile I found that that life was not a fairy tale. In fact, that life was crazy hard. Love isn't the answer. Marriage doesn't solve everything. Raising two kids is not easy. Staying married is even harder. And becoming that person in the picture doesn't equate happiness.
And so, I had to rethink who I was and what I wanted and where I was going. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever chosen to be a single mom and raise two kids on my own. Never. I honestly believed that the act of having children and creating a family meant that I would be married until death do us part. And I had the hugest FEAR of ever deviating from the "dream." I knew all the statistics, I knew how it would affect the children, I knew that I could never provide for them alone, I knew they would fee different from their friends, I knew that it would mean a host of life changes for me and for them. So I existed unhappy, more than unhappy, miserable for a long time because I was fearful of what the alternative was. And all the while I was scared as fuck of taking a leap of faith to see if I could pull it off. What if if ended up being the hugest mistake of my life?
Well, the jury is still out on whether I made the hugest mistake of my life but one thing is for sure, is that while every day there is fear, at the same time, every day I get a little more fearLESS. For it has been the most empowering act to know that at the end of the day I am still standing in the face of crazy adversity. That every day although I may have made a huge mistakes, or lost my patience, or messed up in some way, that my kids continue to love me, and that our relationship gets stronger. Thus I have learned that although I had every right to be fearful of being a single mom because it is exhausting and hard, that it is not impossible. Every day is living proof that I can do it, some days I do it like a rockstar, and other days I need to drink a beer, but I am doing it. #everydamnday and there was never a reason to fear that I wouldn't be able to survive.
But that wasn't the only fear that came with life change. So, yes, I am going to address that fear of being alone for the rest of my life. To be honest, any single mom is always going to wonder whether they will meet "the one" or whether they are going to be 80 years old living with cats. I did go through that phase for awhile of wondering, and stressing, and stressing some more, and maybe even freaking out just a little bit. But where I stand today I no longer worry about being alone because I have found that while I as single as single can be I am not alone nor am I lonely. For one, the time I have spent finding myself and pursuing activities that I wasn't able to before the life change has shown me that I actually do like myself. There are qualities that I have gained that I admire and respect. I am learning to let go of traits and characteristics that I don't like about myself and to work on me. Because with the time that I do have alone when the kids are with their dad I have had to learn to appreciate being by myself. And I have found that I am able spend time by myself and use that time to reflect and grow and become a better person. It really hasn't been bad at all. In fact, I no longer have to deal with any ridiculousness except the kind that I make for myself. #winning
I have also learned that surrounding myself with like minded positive people ensures that I will never go lonely as well. My tribe has shared so many different adventures with me and are always willing to play my crazy. I have really come to appreciate these friends who have become my family. They are there for me all the time in person, on mobile, whatever. It's funny, I no longer feel empty anymore for my life is rich with laughter and goodness. This has helped my heart to heal, to relax, and to be at peace. The love of good friends is truly healing, and has helped me to be alive and live again. #alive #live
So fear, what is it to me? Fear today is a feeling that I understand and am not afraid it. When I feel it overcoming me and threatening to drown me I now know that I am totally able to quell its overwhelming feeling. I know that I don't have to let it take over my life and bring me to the dark side. I now know that fear will never break me as it once has. I feared the ocean. I feared making a big change. I feared not being able to be a single mom. I feared being alone forever. I tackled these fears, rolled with the set backs, took my time overcoming them, and am currently in the midst of all of them and I am surviving. Heck, I am doing more than surviving, I am thriving. And it is because of my support system as well as my refusal to give up that I have been able to overcome my fears. And so I continue to face fear head on, to not let it throw me, to accept that some things are not going to be easy, but to also believe that I can overcome the fears that are thrown at me. #fearless
When I was in high school I drew a picture of a house, a car, a dog, two kids and me and my future husband. Since then I believed that when I achieved that picture that I drew in real life I could consider myself "arrived." You see, I had that vision that every other girl has. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, they buy a house and a dog, have two kids, and live happily ever after. I did everything that I could to achieve that goal and when I finally did achieve that goal and lived it for awhile I found that that life was not a fairy tale. In fact, that life was crazy hard. Love isn't the answer. Marriage doesn't solve everything. Raising two kids is not easy. Staying married is even harder. And becoming that person in the picture doesn't equate happiness.
And so, I had to rethink who I was and what I wanted and where I was going. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever chosen to be a single mom and raise two kids on my own. Never. I honestly believed that the act of having children and creating a family meant that I would be married until death do us part. And I had the hugest FEAR of ever deviating from the "dream." I knew all the statistics, I knew how it would affect the children, I knew that I could never provide for them alone, I knew they would fee different from their friends, I knew that it would mean a host of life changes for me and for them. So I existed unhappy, more than unhappy, miserable for a long time because I was fearful of what the alternative was. And all the while I was scared as fuck of taking a leap of faith to see if I could pull it off. What if if ended up being the hugest mistake of my life?
Well, the jury is still out on whether I made the hugest mistake of my life but one thing is for sure, is that while every day there is fear, at the same time, every day I get a little more fearLESS. For it has been the most empowering act to know that at the end of the day I am still standing in the face of crazy adversity. That every day although I may have made a huge mistakes, or lost my patience, or messed up in some way, that my kids continue to love me, and that our relationship gets stronger. Thus I have learned that although I had every right to be fearful of being a single mom because it is exhausting and hard, that it is not impossible. Every day is living proof that I can do it, some days I do it like a rockstar, and other days I need to drink a beer, but I am doing it. #everydamnday and there was never a reason to fear that I wouldn't be able to survive.
But that wasn't the only fear that came with life change. So, yes, I am going to address that fear of being alone for the rest of my life. To be honest, any single mom is always going to wonder whether they will meet "the one" or whether they are going to be 80 years old living with cats. I did go through that phase for awhile of wondering, and stressing, and stressing some more, and maybe even freaking out just a little bit. But where I stand today I no longer worry about being alone because I have found that while I as single as single can be I am not alone nor am I lonely. For one, the time I have spent finding myself and pursuing activities that I wasn't able to before the life change has shown me that I actually do like myself. There are qualities that I have gained that I admire and respect. I am learning to let go of traits and characteristics that I don't like about myself and to work on me. Because with the time that I do have alone when the kids are with their dad I have had to learn to appreciate being by myself. And I have found that I am able spend time by myself and use that time to reflect and grow and become a better person. It really hasn't been bad at all. In fact, I no longer have to deal with any ridiculousness except the kind that I make for myself. #winning
I have also learned that surrounding myself with like minded positive people ensures that I will never go lonely as well. My tribe has shared so many different adventures with me and are always willing to play my crazy. I have really come to appreciate these friends who have become my family. They are there for me all the time in person, on mobile, whatever. It's funny, I no longer feel empty anymore for my life is rich with laughter and goodness. This has helped my heart to heal, to relax, and to be at peace. The love of good friends is truly healing, and has helped me to be alive and live again. #alive #live
So fear, what is it to me? Fear today is a feeling that I understand and am not afraid it. When I feel it overcoming me and threatening to drown me I now know that I am totally able to quell its overwhelming feeling. I know that I don't have to let it take over my life and bring me to the dark side. I now know that fear will never break me as it once has. I feared the ocean. I feared making a big change. I feared not being able to be a single mom. I feared being alone forever. I tackled these fears, rolled with the set backs, took my time overcoming them, and am currently in the midst of all of them and I am surviving. Heck, I am doing more than surviving, I am thriving. And it is because of my support system as well as my refusal to give up that I have been able to overcome my fears. And so I continue to face fear head on, to not let it throw me, to accept that some things are not going to be easy, but to also believe that I can overcome the fears that are thrown at me. #fearless
On Change
Today a friend posted something on my Facebook page that got me thinking. In short it talked about Eureka moments and putting one's story in writing. I've been talking for a long time about writing a book and her post was the sign I needed to start writing again. It's not because I feel the need to tell my story to everyone, but it's because there's been so much radical change in my life in such a short time that I need to slow down and reflect on everything and get a little perspective.
It's pretty evident to everyone that has known me for awhile that I am not the same person I was a year ago, even 6 months ago. To some this "new" Aurene may seem radically different but to those who have known me for a long time or know me well, know that I am finally back to the happy go lucky person that I have always been, and boy, has it been a long time coming!
This past weekend my friend, Cathy remarked, "we used to have such a boring friendship" and the words couldn't be more true. Cathy and I have been running together for the last three years. We have spent many hours together, just she and I with no distractions forced to talk about the mundane. Our small talk was very surface level and nothing every deep, emotional, or inspiring. And then one day, in the midst of my madness she said, "I want to buy you a surfing lesson for your birthday."
Cathy had been talking to me about surfing for about a year and every time she brought it up I would tell her that I love the beach, love the ocean, but I don't put my face in the water. My kids would concur. I would take them to the beach and the pool every weekend and I would be the mom sitting on the sand or on the beach chair taking pictures but never going in. You see, although the ocean brings me peace and is a place I flee to when I need to find myself, I nearly drowned in the third grade and so it's been a haunted love of mine for ages. I respected the ocean's power, and although drawn to it, never felt the need to conquer. That is, until that day that Cathy brought the surfing lesson up.
At the time I had already been going through a hurricane of crazy in my life and I had had enough of the pain, oppression, depression, and negativity that was closing in on me. I was crying every day, not sleeping, not eating, and looked and felt like HELL. I was exhausted, tired, broken, and not sure about life. I really needed something different and so when she asked, without thinking I said, "yes." Without hesitating so that I could not change my mind Cathy set up that surfing lesson, told me I could borrow a rash guard and told me where to be.
Some things that you should know about me are 1) I don't break my word 2) I don't back down from a challenge, and 3) I don't wear bathing suits. I already told you that I didn't put my face in the water either, and so you should know that the whole surfing thing was like my playing with the devil. I was fearful yet so intrigued.
Anyhow, I blogged about the whole sufing thing awhile ago and this post is not about the surf lesson itself, but the change that it brought about that has manifested into all aspects of my life. So let's fast forward to September, 2016. I am a different person, and for some people it is hard to swallow. I have been met with a lot of resistance, a lot of anger, and a lot of people just hating on me. The funny part is that I am so happy with my new life that I don't care about the haters. IN fact, most of the things that would annoy me to no end a year ago are now just insignificant things that I refuse to let hold me back. Because the truth is, is I am flying. I am happy, I am surrounded by amazing people, I have two amazing kids, and parents that are supporting me 100%.
The whole surfing incident taught me so much. First and foremost it showed me that it is never too late to chase a dream. You see, I always had this dream of living on the north shore, of waking up with the sun and walking across to the beach. In most people's scenarios living on the north shore would equate withe surfing every day. However, in my dream my dream stopped at me stepping on the beach because back then I thought I would never be a surfer. Ok, in truth even today I am not much of a surfer and I will never be able to surge big waves on the north shore....but hey, in April I never thought I would be on a surfboard in the water, so point is made. At the ripe old age of ---- this chick learned to SURF! How bad ass is that?!!
As I was surfing at Waikiki yesterday a huge swell came and after catching a long wave I found myself battling white water madness trying to get back out to the line up. I laughed to myself as I found myself telling myself to charge the waves head on. I mean, this is me, the girl who didn't put her face in the water charging waves, getting pummeled, going under, hair a crazy mess, and actually enjoying the crazy. And so I told myself, surfing has taught me to take my challenges head on. To face them and not back down.
Finally, surfing has taught me to take risks and step out of my comfort zone. Had I not done that I would not be experiencing the amazing surfing life that I am. Since surfing I have also committed to Cross Fit at least 2 times a week and I now freely wear bikinis with my non-bikini bod. It is truly liberating to realize that I can live life as I want to now. That I can try things and fail, I can meet someone, hit it off and yet nothing might come of it. What I learned is to enjoy the experience, to learn from the good and the bad, the amazing and the hurt. To learn from people who disappoint you, and to cherish the people that have your back. Because you just never know unless you try. So will keep persevering until everything falls in place...whenever that is. You see, I am no longer in a rush to get "there." Because I am "here." I am happy. I am alive. I am living. I am loving. Loving so many things it's not even fair. I have a deep love for my true friends. I have a love for life. I am loving things like beer and bikinis. I love the time I have with my kids. I love the time I have to be me. The negativity no longer gets to me. I no longer feel the need to complain about everything. I don't feel tied to things that I used to. I embrace spontaneity and flexibility. The noose that once kept me uptight and angry has been removed. I am free.
Ah change. Gotta embrace it and love it.
It's pretty evident to everyone that has known me for awhile that I am not the same person I was a year ago, even 6 months ago. To some this "new" Aurene may seem radically different but to those who have known me for a long time or know me well, know that I am finally back to the happy go lucky person that I have always been, and boy, has it been a long time coming!
This past weekend my friend, Cathy remarked, "we used to have such a boring friendship" and the words couldn't be more true. Cathy and I have been running together for the last three years. We have spent many hours together, just she and I with no distractions forced to talk about the mundane. Our small talk was very surface level and nothing every deep, emotional, or inspiring. And then one day, in the midst of my madness she said, "I want to buy you a surfing lesson for your birthday."
Cathy had been talking to me about surfing for about a year and every time she brought it up I would tell her that I love the beach, love the ocean, but I don't put my face in the water. My kids would concur. I would take them to the beach and the pool every weekend and I would be the mom sitting on the sand or on the beach chair taking pictures but never going in. You see, although the ocean brings me peace and is a place I flee to when I need to find myself, I nearly drowned in the third grade and so it's been a haunted love of mine for ages. I respected the ocean's power, and although drawn to it, never felt the need to conquer. That is, until that day that Cathy brought the surfing lesson up.
At the time I had already been going through a hurricane of crazy in my life and I had had enough of the pain, oppression, depression, and negativity that was closing in on me. I was crying every day, not sleeping, not eating, and looked and felt like HELL. I was exhausted, tired, broken, and not sure about life. I really needed something different and so when she asked, without thinking I said, "yes." Without hesitating so that I could not change my mind Cathy set up that surfing lesson, told me I could borrow a rash guard and told me where to be.
Some things that you should know about me are 1) I don't break my word 2) I don't back down from a challenge, and 3) I don't wear bathing suits. I already told you that I didn't put my face in the water either, and so you should know that the whole surfing thing was like my playing with the devil. I was fearful yet so intrigued.
Anyhow, I blogged about the whole sufing thing awhile ago and this post is not about the surf lesson itself, but the change that it brought about that has manifested into all aspects of my life. So let's fast forward to September, 2016. I am a different person, and for some people it is hard to swallow. I have been met with a lot of resistance, a lot of anger, and a lot of people just hating on me. The funny part is that I am so happy with my new life that I don't care about the haters. IN fact, most of the things that would annoy me to no end a year ago are now just insignificant things that I refuse to let hold me back. Because the truth is, is I am flying. I am happy, I am surrounded by amazing people, I have two amazing kids, and parents that are supporting me 100%.
The whole surfing incident taught me so much. First and foremost it showed me that it is never too late to chase a dream. You see, I always had this dream of living on the north shore, of waking up with the sun and walking across to the beach. In most people's scenarios living on the north shore would equate withe surfing every day. However, in my dream my dream stopped at me stepping on the beach because back then I thought I would never be a surfer. Ok, in truth even today I am not much of a surfer and I will never be able to surge big waves on the north shore....but hey, in April I never thought I would be on a surfboard in the water, so point is made. At the ripe old age of ---- this chick learned to SURF! How bad ass is that?!!
As I was surfing at Waikiki yesterday a huge swell came and after catching a long wave I found myself battling white water madness trying to get back out to the line up. I laughed to myself as I found myself telling myself to charge the waves head on. I mean, this is me, the girl who didn't put her face in the water charging waves, getting pummeled, going under, hair a crazy mess, and actually enjoying the crazy. And so I told myself, surfing has taught me to take my challenges head on. To face them and not back down.
Finally, surfing has taught me to take risks and step out of my comfort zone. Had I not done that I would not be experiencing the amazing surfing life that I am. Since surfing I have also committed to Cross Fit at least 2 times a week and I now freely wear bikinis with my non-bikini bod. It is truly liberating to realize that I can live life as I want to now. That I can try things and fail, I can meet someone, hit it off and yet nothing might come of it. What I learned is to enjoy the experience, to learn from the good and the bad, the amazing and the hurt. To learn from people who disappoint you, and to cherish the people that have your back. Because you just never know unless you try. So will keep persevering until everything falls in place...whenever that is. You see, I am no longer in a rush to get "there." Because I am "here." I am happy. I am alive. I am living. I am loving. Loving so many things it's not even fair. I have a deep love for my true friends. I have a love for life. I am loving things like beer and bikinis. I love the time I have with my kids. I love the time I have to be me. The negativity no longer gets to me. I no longer feel the need to complain about everything. I don't feel tied to things that I used to. I embrace spontaneity and flexibility. The noose that once kept me uptight and angry has been removed. I am free.
Ah change. Gotta embrace it and love it.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Runner's HI 20k 9.11.2016
Not sure how I pulled off a huge PR for this race and a 4th place in my age group.
I went on a whirl wind 3 day trip to Chicago for a training with the Hope Street Group, a non-profit organization with which I am currently on a year-long fellowship. Our trip to Chicago was 14 hours long and after arriving it was non-stop craziness of learning sightseeing and having fun with my new friends. The flight back home took 10 hours and I arrived back home Saturday evening at 9:00 pm. I had to run for the streak and get things ready and didn't fall asleep til 11. Lucky thing for me the race started a little later than normal Hawaii races (6:00 am).
I had no expectations for the race and in fact was just hopeful that I would somehow be able to finish the race. When the horn went off I took off with the rest of the runners at the front of the start and realized that I was running an 8 minute mile and felt okay. I knew I wasn't going to be able to feel ok running that pace for the whole race so I eased off a bit and checked myself.
I was able to run the first 6 miles pretty easily at a sub 9 pace but my hips started to tighten up after that and so I eased up on the run. Still I was able to keep a old 9:00 pace for the rest of the race and finished strong passing many runners at the end to finish 4th in my age group with a 1:51. Last year I ran it in a 2:01.
At the moment I am trying NOT to think of what my time would have been if I hadn't went on the trip and if I actually "raced" the race. :)
I went on a whirl wind 3 day trip to Chicago for a training with the Hope Street Group, a non-profit organization with which I am currently on a year-long fellowship. Our trip to Chicago was 14 hours long and after arriving it was non-stop craziness of learning sightseeing and having fun with my new friends. The flight back home took 10 hours and I arrived back home Saturday evening at 9:00 pm. I had to run for the streak and get things ready and didn't fall asleep til 11. Lucky thing for me the race started a little later than normal Hawaii races (6:00 am).
I had no expectations for the race and in fact was just hopeful that I would somehow be able to finish the race. When the horn went off I took off with the rest of the runners at the front of the start and realized that I was running an 8 minute mile and felt okay. I knew I wasn't going to be able to feel ok running that pace for the whole race so I eased off a bit and checked myself.
I was able to run the first 6 miles pretty easily at a sub 9 pace but my hips started to tighten up after that and so I eased up on the run. Still I was able to keep a old 9:00 pace for the rest of the race and finished strong passing many runners at the end to finish 4th in my age group with a 1:51. Last year I ran it in a 2:01.
At the moment I am trying NOT to think of what my time would have been if I hadn't went on the trip and if I actually "raced" the race. :)
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