An amazing friend sent me a mantra bracelet that says, "fearless" on it and I wear it all the time (have it on now). It's funny because I have learned that once you accept that it is okay to fear things, you can begin to conquer them. Yesterday I wrote about change and the whole fear of ocean surfing incident that changed my life. Today I want to explore other fears in hope that writing about them and exposing them will help me begin to overcome them.
When I was in high school I drew a picture of a house, a car, a dog, two kids and me and my future husband. Since then I believed that when I achieved that picture that I drew in real life I could consider myself "arrived." You see, I had that vision that every other girl has. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, they buy a house and a dog, have two kids, and live happily ever after. I did everything that I could to achieve that goal and when I finally did achieve that goal and lived it for awhile I found that that life was not a fairy tale. In fact, that life was crazy hard. Love isn't the answer. Marriage doesn't solve everything. Raising two kids is not easy. Staying married is even harder. And becoming that person in the picture doesn't equate happiness.
And so, I had to rethink who I was and what I wanted and where I was going. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever chosen to be a single mom and raise two kids on my own. Never. I honestly believed that the act of having children and creating a family meant that I would be married until death do us part. And I had the hugest FEAR of ever deviating from the "dream." I knew all the statistics, I knew how it would affect the children, I knew that I could never provide for them alone, I knew they would fee different from their friends, I knew that it would mean a host of life changes for me and for them. So I existed unhappy, more than unhappy, miserable for a long time because I was fearful of what the alternative was. And all the while I was scared as fuck of taking a leap of faith to see if I could pull it off. What if if ended up being the hugest mistake of my life?
Well, the jury is still out on whether I made the hugest mistake of my life but one thing is for sure, is that while every day there is fear, at the same time, every day I get a little more fearLESS. For it has been the most empowering act to know that at the end of the day I am still standing in the face of crazy adversity. That every day although I may have made a huge mistakes, or lost my patience, or messed up in some way, that my kids continue to love me, and that our relationship gets stronger. Thus I have learned that although I had every right to be fearful of being a single mom because it is exhausting and hard, that it is not impossible. Every day is living proof that I can do it, some days I do it like a rockstar, and other days I need to drink a beer, but I am doing it. #everydamnday and there was never a reason to fear that I wouldn't be able to survive.
But that wasn't the only fear that came with life change. So, yes, I am going to address that fear of being alone for the rest of my life. To be honest, any single mom is always going to wonder whether they will meet "the one" or whether they are going to be 80 years old living with cats. I did go through that phase for awhile of wondering, and stressing, and stressing some more, and maybe even freaking out just a little bit. But where I stand today I no longer worry about being alone because I have found that while I as single as single can be I am not alone nor am I lonely. For one, the time I have spent finding myself and pursuing activities that I wasn't able to before the life change has shown me that I actually do like myself. There are qualities that I have gained that I admire and respect. I am learning to let go of traits and characteristics that I don't like about myself and to work on me. Because with the time that I do have alone when the kids are with their dad I have had to learn to appreciate being by myself. And I have found that I am able spend time by myself and use that time to reflect and grow and become a better person. It really hasn't been bad at all. In fact, I no longer have to deal with any ridiculousness except the kind that I make for myself. #winning
I have also learned that surrounding myself with like minded positive people ensures that I will never go lonely as well. My tribe has shared so many different adventures with me and are always willing to play my crazy. I have really come to appreciate these friends who have become my family. They are there for me all the time in person, on mobile, whatever. It's funny, I no longer feel empty anymore for my life is rich with laughter and goodness. This has helped my heart to heal, to relax, and to be at peace. The love of good friends is truly healing, and has helped me to be alive and live again. #alive #live
So fear, what is it to me? Fear today is a feeling that I understand and am not afraid it. When I feel it overcoming me and threatening to drown me I now know that I am totally able to quell its overwhelming feeling. I know that I don't have to let it take over my life and bring me to the dark side. I now know that fear will never break me as it once has. I feared the ocean. I feared making a big change. I feared not being able to be a single mom. I feared being alone forever. I tackled these fears, rolled with the set backs, took my time overcoming them, and am currently in the midst of all of them and I am surviving. Heck, I am doing more than surviving, I am thriving. And it is because of my support system as well as my refusal to give up that I have been able to overcome my fears. And so I continue to face fear head on, to not let it throw me, to accept that some things are not going to be easy, but to also believe that I can overcome the fears that are thrown at me. #fearless
No comments:
Post a Comment