Thankful.

This past week has been filled with peaks and valleys and I am sitting down to reflect on what has been one of the craziest weeks of my life.

On Monday I landed in the ER.  I got some news there that baffled me and was sent home to recover and reflect.  For the next two days I laid in bed with a crazy pain knowing that something was not right.  On Thursday I returned to the doctor and in the span of a few hours found myself being prepped for emergency surgery.  As I lay on the gurney all I could think was that I can't die because I wasn't able to tell my parents or my kids that I loved them.  I kept fighting the fear out of my head.  I wouldn't let my mind wander and I held the tears tight inside my eyes.  My voice trembled when I spoke and I fought hard to keep it together.  I kept thinking back to all the information that I had googled earlier in the week and assured myself that many women in my situation made it back alive.  Routine surgery.  Routine.  Still I couldn't help hearing the echos of all the complications my doctor had told me about or the forms I had to sign acknowledging my understanding of the gravity of the situation.  I also refused to wonder whether my husband would be able to raise my two kids or whether his third wife would be a good stepmother.  As the anesthesia entered my system I just let me mind go blank with a hint of wonderment if I would know if I died.

Minutes after looking up at the lights of the Operating Room I heard, "Mrs. Pila, wake up!"  I looked up and I was back in recovery.  My husband was besides me and I was, apparently alive.  I had no idea how much time had passed nor whether the surgery was successful.  All I felt at the moment was that I was thankful that neither my husband, my parents, nor my children would have to grieve tonight.  I was happy that they would not be feeling any sort of pain on my behalf.

My miracle of a doctor came and told me the 411 and that the surgery was a success.  It had gone by fast (an hour) and I would be going home soon.  I tried to concentrate on the words I was hearing but I was too groggy so I let my husband handle everything and just concentrated on each breath that I was taking alive.

I got home less than 3 hours after surgery, and 6 hours after initially going to the doctor without a clue as to what the night had in store for me.  I logged onto FaceBook to try and relax and learned that my friends were praying for me.  I fell asleep feeling somewhat relieved that major drama had escaped me.

The next day was my first born's preschool graduation and I skipped it even though it hurt to do so.  It wouldn't do anyone any good for me to pass out in the heat.  Normally I would have been crushed about missing such an important event.  But all I could think of was this....It didn't matter that I would miss ONE EVENT because I was alive to witness the rest of her life.  Thank GOD I would get to see the little insignificant things as well as the big thing that were to come.

It was later that night that reality hit me in the head.  I kept replaying the concerns of my doctors and my technicians on Thursday.  Their incredulity that I was walking. The questions they kept asking me.  Their shock.  Their concern.  Their immediate reaction.  It hit me like a sudden wave just how lucky I was to be alive.  I was overcome.  Overwhelmed.  The tears finally came.  I was lucky to be alive.  I had been given a chance to love and to live.

I was in a funk and really needed to get out of the house and so I decided to go ahead with a birthday celebration that I had been planning for a long time.  The venue would need to be changed but I wanted to get dressed up, smile, and be surrounded by people that loved me.  I kept my 3 hour hair appointment, I put on a short and sexy dress, and I went out to see my friends.

I don't think many of them realized the funk I was in nor the severity of the surgery I had just had.  And that was best because they showered me with love, had me laughing and was the best medicine that I could have asked for.  I was doing exactly what I needed to do.  I was taking it easy and I was surrounding myself with an amazing force of powerful energy that was keeping me going.

My crazy friends bought me a coffee maker that I had my eye on and wanted for a long time. I couldn't believe that they lugged the heavy machine to the club for me.  It took me by crazy surprise and I had no idea what I did to deserve such a thoughtful gift.  All I knew was that I was lucky to be surrounded by such an amazing support system and that things were going to be okay.

The next day was my actual birthday and my husband had plans for me.  He took me to the mall and brought me to Louis Vuitton.  When we got there one of the Sales Associates that I often "worked with" greeted hubby and told him he'd bring the bag out.  Out came a bag and they all told me to try it on.  I wasn't sure about that exact bag and told the hubby so he asked me which bag I wanted to try on.  I pointed to a bag and it was brought out for me to put on. Hubby looked like he wanted to buy the bag for me. I wasn't sure why.  I wondered if he'd have bought me the bag had I not experienced the near-death experience.  I wondered if he knew that it was "just a bag" and not that important.  In the end it didn't matter.  I knew that he felt that he needed to buy the bag and that for him  it would be part of the recovery for the craziness we had just experienced.  So I told him which bag and he went in to buy it for me.

Later that night we went out to dinner which has always been the norm for birthdays.  We liked to live big and my hubby loves fine dining.  I put on a short sexy dress and wore my new bag.  We enjoyed our dinner and time together, and it was nice. Life had continued.  We were back doing what we loved to do.

Today it's four days since my life changing surgery.   I am taking it easy and recovering as best as I can.  I am sleeping like I have never slept before.  I am eating a lot of rice and McDonalds and not worrying about putting some of the twenty pounds it had taken me 5 months to lose.  I am not running and I am okay with that.  I am madly thankful though.  Madly.  I am thankful for my friends who love me as I am, and who send me strength through their friendship.  I am thankful for my parents who stepped up and have been taking care of my kids while I have been sick.  They have kept it together so that I didn't need to worry about my kids at all and have been able to focus on getting my body healthy.  I am thankful that I took the time to get my body healthy so that it was strong enough to take the beating that it did and stay  healthy and bounce back.  More than anything I reflect on whether I would be here today if I had not made the effort to lose the weight and be healthy.  Maybe the biggest result of this whole ordeal is that I have a reason to commit to this healthy lifestyle change for LIFE.  I am thankful for my husband who was there for me every step.  I remember my doctor thanking him for bringing me to the appointment and being there for me.  As I reflect it makes my heart cry for them women out there who don't have husbands who support them.  And, I am soo ever thankful for the fact that I will be able to do nothing and everything with my two little kids this summer.  I will indeed put on a little bikini and rock my new scarred up fat belly with them at the beach.  I will laugh at their antics. Take deep breaths when they push my buttons and I will hug them and kiss them endlessly.  So thankful for life.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just a few hours left of one of the most memorable Mother's Day I've had as a full-fledged mom.  Hubby went over the top this year.  Saturday night I had a fabulous time with some amazing women and this morning I woke up to the smell of spinach omelettes and Portuguese sausage.  This in itself was a huge gift since hubby usually leaves for work by 6:30 on Sundays.  Having breakfast cooked was such a treat.  After breakfast hubby presented me with the cutest little flyer.  It was my schedule for the day and included shopping at two of my favorite boutiques:  Fashionista's Market and Eden in Love and brunch at one of my favorite restaurants:  The Pineapple Room.  He then had the kids present me with three cards:  a Mother's Day card that they signed and a gift card from each boutique.  He was a little bummed when I told him that Fashionista's Market was closed on Sundays but I assured him that it was allll good.  With that, I took a much needed nap.

The rest of the day was fun. I got to do some shopping  and eat an amazing brunch.  When we got home I did a fast 3 mile run then relaxed for the rest of the evening.  It was day of pampering spent with the peeps that I loved.  What more could I ask for?  Nothing.  Truly a perfect day as you can see in the pictures:

So, I'd like to give a huge shout out to the hubby for pulling off this wonderful surprise.  It's been a tough mothering year and it feels good to be acknowledged and appreciated for all that I do for our family.

I'd also like to send a shout out to my own Mom for being such an amazing role model and example.  My mom has always been an inspiration to me.  And I have always hoped to be able to accomplish everything that she has done in her life.  I hope that I have made her proud and I hope that I am able to inspire my own daughter the same way she has inspired me.

Finally, a huge shout out to the my mommy friends out there who work hard every day to provide for their families, often without acknowledgement and support.  The world is lucky for mommies like you who give and give and give without ever expecting anything in return.

And to the aunties, grandmas, and teachers out there who serve as mommy figures.  Thank you for loving kids just because you have an amazing heart.

To my friends out there working on being mommies.  May your wishes be answered and your miracle come true.  Don't give up hope!!

Finally, to the un-sung heroes of the day, the step-mommies.  Sending you all a huge hug.

Van mommy/step-mommy signing out.  I'm tired!!!

It's Saturday Night and my Van is parked and I'm Throwing a Pity Party.

Friday and Saturday Nights on Facebook are bad for van mommies like me.  All the young kids are posting about going to the movies, eating out, listening to live music and checking in at different fun places one after the other.  In their uploaded pictures they look gorgeous and happy.  None of them has stress wrinkles or frowns.  None look like they are about to lose it.  It makes a van mommy a little depressed.  Feel a little trapped.  Kind of envious of all the kids who are dressed up and living dangerously without a care in the world.  No worrying about the kids at home or no worrying about whether the kids they dared bring are going to behave.

Being a mommy is very rewarding.  At my daughter's soccer game today she asked me for a good luck kiss before the game started.  There's nothing that defines love more than that.  And I don't regret being a mom. Because although it is the single hardest job I've ever signed up for, it is also the most fulfilling.  Nevertheless, there are times, like tonight when I miss the carefree days of going out without having to be vigilant, on surveillance, or on edge.  Having to make sure the kids eat, don't bother others, don't run away, get lost, or get hurt is a taxing job.  Add into the mix a clueless hubby and you got yourself the recipe for mommy meltdown.  Goes something like this....

One kid crying for mommy, other kid crying for mommy, kids fighting over mommy.  People starting to stare.  Mommy getting frustrated.  Daddy sitting there.  Mommy yelling at kids.  Mommy yelling at kids.  Mommy yelling at Daddy.   Pandemonium.  It's only 7:30pm and we're on our way home because mommy has lost it.  Throw everyone in the van and head home.

People keep telling me that it will get better and I'm eagerly anticipating that day.  Until then I collect pretty dresses to wear to go out, live vicariously through the young kids' posts, and contemplate deleting everyone who doesn't have outta control kids or has a life off of my Friends' List.

Van mommy out...gonna throw myself a pity party.