Happy Mommy's Day

Mi Familia

I was one of those little girls who played with dolls.  I had a baby alive, Barbies, Sunshine Hill dolls, stuffed animals, Teddy Bears, and Raggedy Andy.  I was born with that mothering instinct.  I loved playing with little kids, playing school, playing mommy.  I wanted to be a teacher and a mommy forever.

Through life's turns I became a mommy much later in life that I had planned.  I was blessed with D at 33 and N at 35.  It had nothing to do with being ready and everything to do with fate.  As fate would have it, the first man I had ever picked to be the daddy of my kids ended up being the daddy of my kids.

Motherhood has been much harder that I would have imagined it to be, and not because I had pie in the sky ideas about what being a mommy entailed, but probably because I have had strong female role models in my life and I hold high expectations for myself.  I really want to be it all, do it all and I try really hard not to give anything up.  Trying to find that balance has been a struggle when faced with two active, intelligent, and highly competitive kids only 19 months apart.

I want to give these two everything, to be able to expose them to all of life's joys, to be there for them supporting them in all their endeavors while at the same time pursuing my career and dreams as well as enjoying time with friends.  But, in trying to juggle so many balls, something has to give and it is often my patience and sanity.  But I refuse to give in or give up and I continue to pursue it all and strike a balance between the mom, the fashionista, the runner, the wife, the friend, the scholar that are wrestling inside of me.

There are so many things I need to do better, so many things I need to learn to let go of.  The compassionate, passionate, competitive person inside of me holds such a tight grip on me constantly telling me to try harder to be that person that can give everyone I love everything they need.  And the more I try the more it rips me apart.  The more I know what's out there the more I want to give of myself.  The more I live, the more I want the world to be a better place for my babies to grow up in.  And so I give and I give so much so that my bucket feels empty, my frustration level past boiling point, and I want to jump in the car and drive far, far away.

And it's usually at those times that I look into the eyes of my children and realize just how much trust, faith, and unconditional love they have for me and I know that I must do better, be better for them no matter what the cost because it is my destiny, it is who I am, it is what I want.

So for this Mother's Day I offer a hug to all those moms out there who are struggling to achieve that balance.  Who are trying to do it alone and those that are shouldering the load because it's what they do.    Continue to work toward that balance.  Don't beat yourself up when it overwhelms you.  But most importantly, remember to stop and have fun.  Enjoy your kids.  Forget the rules.  Let the house be messy.  Let the clothes get dirty.  Feed them mac n'cheese with no guilt.  Insist that your husband buy you a really good Mother's Day present.  And hug those kids not matter how big they are.