Hiding behind the smiles. Part 1

My elementary school days were some of the best times of my life. My friends at school were ones that lived near me and played on my soccer and softball teams. We would spend days happily learning in our classrooms, afternoons at practice or riding bikes, and weekends at the beach or at sleep overs.  Aside from the typical I'm not your friend moments that all girls had back then my life was full and happy. I was known to be both smart and a jock but none of it mattered too much.  My family was respected due to their community volunteerism and life was good.  

In the 6th grade my parents decided that I should try out for a private school that would give me great advantages in life.  They were worried about the community Intermediate School and were positive that private schooling was for me.  I took the tests, and the interviews and the next thing I knew my mom and dad were telling me that I was going to xxx school come the Fall.  I remember that morning before 6th grade like it was yesterday.  I didn't protest or say anything to them because in our home you did what the parents say.  But I remember going to school and quietly crying on the landing to the 2nd floor of D Building. I remember exactly who said, "Reenie wha'ts wrong?" and I remember choking out, "My mom and dad said I have to go to xxx next year."  The next month was very tough.  It was the end of 6th grade and we had Talent Shows, dances, and a trip to the Intermediate School that all of my life long friends were going to attend.  I already felt like they were slipping away and I began to withdraw and pull back.  I was bracing myself for change.  I remember crying a lot that last day of school as we stood together as a class singing in the Cafeteria and as I walked off campus a my carefree days were over.

I didn't prepare for attending xxx like the other students.  I went about my summer playing soccer and at the last moment read the "recommended reading" for 7th grade which was to me the most boring stupid book ever.  Nothing an avid reader like me would ever choose or finish reading.  I had no idea what was in store for me with that book but was not at all concerned.  I breezed through elementary school, always got good grades, didn't have to work very hard, and was in the Gifted and Talented class.  I was not over confident but I wasn't so concerned.  I was going to go to xxx school, play soccer and softball, get a good education, and hopefully make some friends.

Friends.  After attending the same school for 7 years it would be my first time ever in a place where I didn't know anyone.  While nervous, I wasn't terrified because I was sure that I would make friends. How could I not? It was school, a big school with lots of people.  Surely I would find one person that liked me. 

Unlike the public school I attended we had a dress code. No more slippers, tshirt, and shorts for me. I had to dress up, a dress maybe, slacks, a nice blouse. It was all so foreign to me. I had no clue about such clothing as I pretty much wore tshirts and shorts or tshirts and jeans every day.  And so the first day of school came.  I dressed in the uncomfortable unfamiliar clothing that mom and I had bought during the summer and somehow managed to find my way to the xxx building where my home room would be.  There were faces and faces of strangers, all looking so odd to me. Some were chatting in groups like they knew one another forever, while others stood like me, alone. 

Alone. I scanned the crowd for a familiar face but knew there would be none. I knew absolutely no one at this school and the fear began to engulf me.  Standing alone was foreign to me.  Not having anyone to talk to, look at, or smile at was incomprehensible. I stood against the wall frozen. I had no idea what to do with my body, my books. I had no idea.  Period.  I stood there awkwardly forever when the bell finally rang and I was able to enter the building and to my homeroom.

Those first few weeks as xxx school were the strangest of my life.  I knew who I was at elementary school and I yearned to find people that were similar to that person I perceived that I was but I was unable to connect with them.  Instead I found myself with people who were kind to me but with whom I just felt so out of place with.  I was aggressive, outgoing, an athlete, but there were none to be found with whom I could align with.  Instead I ate lunch with very intellectual worldly gals that I had a hard time understanding. It was the first time I had ever been exposed to people who talked like them and I was constantly feeling off kilter but HAPPY that I didn't have to eat my pizza alone.

In one swoop I had gone from a girl with lots of friends that were home to me, to feeling like a fish out of water.  I had not kept ties with my old friends and weekends were lonely.  Everything was lonely.  I was confused, depressed, feeling alienated more and more every day.  I had no idea who I was or where I fit in and I wondered how I could possibly be stuck in a place where no one was like me.