It was a rough day today. The storms torrented my life and I have felt distracted, disengaged, disgusted. The noise in and outside of my head threatened to take over and drown me. After dinner I escaped to my room to try and find quiet. Every time my kids approached me I pushed them away and the guilt corroded me inside and my anger grew.
When it was finally quiet I put on my running shoes and ran out the door to find my quiet. I used to smoke. I used to drink. I used to shop. Now I run.
Each step was like a tear letting out some of the pain. Each step brought me closer to whole. Each step cleansed the darkness out of my heart. The farther I ran, the calmer I felt, the quieter the noise in my head got, the lesser the rage in my heart, the screaming in my ears. As I ran I composed this blog. I tried to understand what the running does for me. How it eases my frenzy and how it makes me able to give to my family again.
On the run I realized that it's been awhile since I had time for a cleansing run. Lately they've been runs of hurry. Hurry up and get it done while the kids are at gymnastics. Hurry up basketball practice is almost over. Hurry up its about to rain. Hurry.
Tonight it was just me and the road and I was in control. There was no need to log miles, no need for speed, no needy kids to get home to. Just me searching in the darkness. Trying to find myself out there. Looking for peace. Yearning to be whole. Crying for calm.
It only took two miles for me to feel like I could come home again. Twenty minutes of time to myself to find my sanity. Some people think I am demanding. But how many people can find nirvana in a mere twenty minutes? Twenty minutes on the road. Free therapy, zero calories, nothing harmful, artificial, illegal, or sinful. I find the comfort in pushing myself on the pavement, not in the arms of another, not in throwing back shots, or taking a hit from a bong. I can find it inside of me when given the chance to get out there and run.
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