Tired.

The past week has kicked my ass and I am tired.

It's been a long time since I have felt so emotionally bankrupt that I just want to lie in bed with my pajamas and cry into my bag of potato chips with a side of ice cream.

I feel overwhelmed but underwhelmed, empty but guilty because my life is full, unlovable but loved.  Living an oxymoron life is distressing.  Even for a Gemini Rat.  Although being a dual personality is in my nature life as I know it has really become too much even for a self-described multi-tasker (ADHD/ADD), insomniac.

Life as the able capable responsible confident wife, friend, and mother can really kick you in the ass.  Especially once you get into the habit of planning everything, taking care of everyone, and doing it with grace and panache.  Because when you become that person it's just expected that you'll get everything done and  not be frazzled by it.

But I am frazzled and frazzled to the core. I am not myself.  I am on the verge of tears. I am distracted.  And I am holding on by a thread. I am looking for anyone...anyone to take care of things for a little while, to take care of me.  Because I am tired of thinking and planning and doing and fixing.  I don't want to choose, I don't want to make the decisions.  I am tired of being the family calendar keeper and tired of being the one that has to look out for and remember everything.  I don't want to have to step in to fix, I am tired of refereeing and I would love to have more than 5 minutes in the bathroom before someone comes barging in.

Tired.  Flustered.  In need of a hero. Searching for a hero.