Motivation

I have had a number of people ask me what my motivation is.  These are people who follow this blog and are my facebook friends.  They know that I run every day and have been running  for over a year and a half straight. They ask me because they're curious and because they wonder how in the world it is possible to put the shoes on and run every single day.

The easy answer is that my daily run has become a habit. Much like I can't leave the house without brushing my teeth, putting on make up, and doing my hair I cannot go to bed without going for a run.  The habit has stemmed from days of repetition, from people urging me on, and by being accountable through social media.  People have always cheered me on to do it and in the back of my head I feel like I cannot disappoint or fail.

The hard answer is that I am a mother and I am lonely and sad most of the time.  Any mother reading this will understand exactly what I mean and be able to totally relate without me having to write any more.  I am thankful for the sister mommies that I have who commiserate with me often and get it.

Being a mom has been truly rewarding and yet sometimes I feel myself so ostracized by the world that I want to sit and weep.  Not cry.  Weep.  As in tears silently and quietly rolling down my cheeks as a sign of total and 100% surrender.  No more energy, no more fight.  Completely defeated.  Defeated by the sense of overwhelming responsibility and the entire weight of the world.  If you are a man reading this you will never understand the feeling of complete and utter hopelessness to the immense task at hand.  I know there are no men reading this but in case there are, you, yes YOU are a whole helluva lot of the problem.

I am not pointing fingers, I am not going into explanation but sitting and wondering when you will be appreciated, and feeling stupid for ever expecting something back has got to be the loneliest feeling in the world.  And so I am again, lonely.  And that pushes me out the door to run and escape it all.  To freely push against the pain, to run hard and away, to pretend that it's all not there, to be able for a short while only focus on me and my needs.  The breaths I need to take, the will I need to complete my run.  To just for a short moment only worry about myself and not anyone else.  To not have to give anything to anyone.  To have only the screaming inside my head to listen to.  To have the wind dry away the tears, and the darkness hide my sadness of being alone and lonely.